


Satisfied

by whatteam_voltron



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Blackmail, Bullying, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-27 08:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13876746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatteam_voltron/pseuds/whatteam_voltron
Summary: There's one bad thing about loudly ending a friendship in the high school bathrooms. Besides the smell, so that's two bad things.Neither Jared nor Evan saw that there was someone in a stall. Or that he had recorded the whole thing. Recorded Evan yelling that Jared wrote the emails.And all that there was left to do was pick one of them to blackmail, and the fun begins.There's the one who's practically famous now, everyone loves him. And then there's the one who lost his only friend.It's clear who the easy target is. And with a threat as good as this, he doesn't have to do his homework for the rest of the year. And that's just the beginning.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!!! I don't know, not many people seem to enjoy my Jared stuff, but I like him and I rarely see anything with him in it so I'm going to keep going!!
> 
> This is going to be angsty and Jared will be bullied, I'm sorry. :(

Jared felt his backpack being tugged as he was yanked into a classroom. He lost his balance and ended up on the floor as a larger boy closed the door to the room. It was Dylan Masters, the boy whose only personality trait seemed to be that he played football.

He let out a defeated sigh. "What do you want?" He just wanted to get home and forget this day ever happened.

"That's up to you. See, _loser_ , I overheard something very interesting today."

"That you're not going to graduate until you're thirty?"

Dylan kicked him in the gut, then pulled out his phone as Jared caught his breath. He sat next to him and hit play on a video, holding it for Jared to watch.

"We need more emails, okay? Emails showing he was getting worse."

And Jared's heart fell to his stomach, this was worse than what he imagined.

As the recorded conversation went on, the phone camera was adjusted to point through the crack in the stall-- and there they were, Evan and Jared, undeniably the ones having this conversation.

It played and played and Jared cringed at every incriminating line.

"So..." Dylan smirked as he stood up. "That's some damning stuff, isn't it? Sounds like you write the emails that he posts on hos little website as Connor's. You guys have a whole big scandal going on and-"

"What do you want?" Jared breathed.

"Oh, I thought you wanted to tell everyone everything?" Dylan was having too much fun with this.

Jared grit his teeth. "What do you want?" He repeated.

"All my homework for the rest of the year. Essays, math, everything."

"What? I don't even do my own homework, nevermind-"

"Then I guess I'll have to post this on my blog. Ruin your life."

Jared thought of how hated he would be and internally shrugged. It couldn't get any worse. He had no friends, he could handle a few dirty looks on top of that.

But then he thought of Evan. Hell, he thought of Alana. They would both be branded as evil, people all over the world would ridicule them for being involved in this. And if there's one thing Jared knew about Evan, it's that he wouldn't handle it that well. He couldn't stand Evan getting death threats, and-

"I'll do it."

"And, you know, my mom's been making me do my own laundry lately, how bout I drop it off at your house and you just make sure it's ready for me the next time."

"So now you're visiting my house?"

"And I should probably have your phone number sometime, in case I think of something else I need." Dylan's face got so close Jared could feel his breath.

"So you're just going to keep adding to this list of demands?"

"Yup."

"You're a fucking asshole."

"Thanks. Hey, here's my homework for the week, Kleinman." He tossed papers at him. "You better do it... or else." He turned and started to walk away.

Jared pushed himself up and started to brush himself off and smooth down his shirt when Dylan turned back around.

"One more thing. I'll be at your house after practice. You mentioned a booze stash. That's mine, now."

"Again, you're just going to come to my house? My own living space? Why do you know where I live?"

Before he knew what was happening, Dylan had shoved him into a wall, his hands locking Jared's shoulders to it. "I don't, nerd, I just know how to use a phonebook. And you better watch yourself." He made a sound in the back of his throat and then launched spit at the shorter boy. "You stop doing what I tell you, and your little secret gets leaked. See you later." He let go and finally exited the room.

Jared was shaking, though you probably wouldn't be able to get him to admit it. He wiped his face with his hand and bit the inside of his cheek so he wouldn't cry. There was no denying it now, he was the most pathetic student in this shitty school. He picked up the papers and shoved them in his bag before walking out.

Of course, who does he run into but Evan and Zoe holding hands through the halls. Zoe gives him a friendly "Hello" as Evan continues to pretend Jared doesn't exist. Hell, maybe he shouldn't.

He brushed by them and hurried to his car. This was stupid. It was all stupid.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Jared can't catch a break

Jared started the homework as soon as he got home, knowing if he waited at all, he simply wouldn't do it. His eyes burned with tears for a good chunk of the time.

How could he let himself be humiliated like this? Here he was, Jared Kleinman, the most pathetic person in school, lowest of the low. No one hated themselves enough to want to talk to him and now to top it all off, he was getting bullied.

Fantastic. Great. Whatever.

He froze when he heard the knocking at his door, trying to prepare himself.

"Open up, dipshit!" The voice came through the door, prompting Jared into motion. He walked over, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

"Yes?" He said.

A bag of clothes was shoved at him. "Take this."

"God, this reeks, what are you-"

"Some of us actually exercise." Dylan pushed past Jared, walking into the house. "Now, where do you keep the alcohol?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking, tell me again how you even know about that one? That was a totally different conversation than what you heard."

"You guys aren't exactly quiet, ever. You yelled your invitation across the hallway at your little boyfriend. Now tell me where it is or-"

"Okay, fine! I'll show you." He led him into the dining room and opened the cabinet under one of the counters. "Here it is, okay? Now-"

"There's no beers." Dylan looked annoyed.

"Well, yeah, my family doesn't really like beer."

Dylan huffed. "Your family's a bunch of pussies. I guess this will do. I can give the wine out to the girls, and you have some vodka, some rum, yeah I can get somewhere with this. Thanks, buddy." He messed up Jared's hair as if they were the best of pals. "Now help me carry it out."

Jared did as he was told, unloading the entire liquor cabinet. God, he wished Dylan would leave him just a little. He needed it more.

"Okay, I'll get these last few, and you write your cell number down so I can tell you when I want something else."

Jared wanted so badly to tell him to fuck off. That he gave him more than enough.

But there was Evan. There were all the death threats he'd get from all the strangers that trusted him.

"Fine." He grumbled, finding a paper to scribble his phone number on. Dylan took it when he came back in the house.

"You've been so cooperative. You're spineless." Dylan laughed before clapping Jared on the shoulder so hard he almost lost his balance. "See you Monday. And you better have my homework done."

And he was gone.

Jared considered himself lucky when no messages came through on his phone until Sunday. "Gotta pick up my laundry. Just set it on the front steps."

And Jared did what he was told and avoided more interaction.

He thought about telling Evan. About what he would think.

But Evan didn't want to hear from him. He probably blocked him on all forms of media.

And even if he didn't, Evan wouldn't care.

"Okay, Jared, so you have to do somebody's homework. It was your idea to make the fake emails anyway, we all have to pull our weight to keep the Connor Project going. Stop complaining."

Yeah, that's probably what he'd say.

The weekend passed and soon there was more of Dylan's homework and Dylan's laundry. For a while it seemed managable, this was the routine and Dylan wouldn't text him for more absurd favors, just to remind him of homework assignments.

But then he started getting new ideas.

He cornered Jared in school. "Listen, my girlfriend wants to go to this concert. Imagine Dragons. Tickets go on sale later today. I want front row."

Jared was silent, not sure what he was asking him.

Dylan sighed. "I don't want to pay for front row seats. So you buy them."

"What? Are you crazy?" Jared didn't know how loud he was being until dozens of heads turned toward the two.

Dylan gritted his teeth. "I'm serious. And you better cough up the money. Or else."

Which left Jared digging into what he had been saving for college to spend a couple thousand on a concert he wasn't even going to.

That night, his parents had his aunt over. Aunt Mary, who just complained and drank wine.

Wine.

But when Jared's parents went into the liquor cabinet for a bottle to offer her, they found nothing. Nothing at all. It was empty.

There were rushed apologies as Jared's mom ran to the store to pick up a bottle. It was an awkward dinner, both his parents tossing Jared glares, and Jared knowing there was going to be a talk later.

There sure was. As soon as Mary was out the door, it began.

"Jared." His mother spoke in clipped tones. "Why was the liquor cabinet empty?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno."

"Tell me you didn't drink all of that. You're hiding it in your room or something." His dad crossed his arms.

"I swear, I don't know where it is! Why are you blaming me?"

"I guess we have to do this the hard way. We thought you could be mature. Okay, we're going to have to think of a proper punishment for such reckless behavior." His dad said.

The first idea was to take money from his savings to restock (while putting a lock on the cabinet).

"Jared, why did you take $2000 out of your savings earlier today?"

Shit. This wasn't supposed to happen. "I- uh."

"You put it in your checking and then-" His mom clicked a few pages. "You made a payment to- ticket master?"

Shit, shit, shit. "I- that's my money so-"

"That's your _college_ money." His dad emphasized. "And clearly, it's all you're going to get. We will not help out with your college funds when we can't trust you not to spend it on something frivolous. You're acting even worse than we thought. Your mother and I have to seriously discuss your punishment. You have shown us truly disgraceful behavior tonight."

By the end of the night, there was an agreement.

They wouldn't draw more money from the account.

But Jared had to sell his things. His car. His books. His playstation. Everything.

His laptop had been taken away, and his use would be limited to working on assignments.

No friends over. No leaving the house besides for school.

His door was removed from his room to prevent him from hiding alcohol and drinking in there. Not that it matters when your parents are home so little.

And that was that.

But, of course, at least Dylan got his fucking tickets.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go downhill fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay shit starts really hitting the fan in this chapter.
> 
> 1\. Just thought I'd mention in this story Evan didn't send the letter to Alana so none of that shot went down, Alana actually got distracted bc her and Zoe were more worried about how Evan and Jared had a falling out and how Jared seemed to be taking it, so the other issue is at bay for now.
> 
> 2\. WARNING WARNING WARNING
> 
> This chapter's got quite a bit o' violence. It's not too graphic specifically because I am bad at descriptions, but just so you're aware.

Jared had started to let his guard down when it came to pretending he was fine. He figured no one gave a shit about him, so there was no point in putting on the performance of the smug asshole who thinks he's super cool.

He never would have guessed Zoe would be the first to confront him.

"Hey, Jared." She walked up to him at his locker. "Can I uh- talk to you?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Is this about Evan?"

"Partially. What happened between you two?"

Jared sighed internally. "What do you mean?"

"Well, come on Jared, I used to always see you two together, and now he won't even greet you in the halls. He won't talk to me about it and I just thought you seemed- upset lately." She said.

Jared slammed his locker harder than he meant to. "I'm fine, Zoe. Evan just-" How could he say it without prompting pity? "We both just got tired of each other. We both have other people we'd rather hang out with."

Zoe didn't look convinced. "And who are you hanging out with now?"

"Friends from camp. They don't go here. I know it's hard to believe Jared Kleinman could ever have friends without it being a last resort for the other party, but I shouldn't have to justify to you that people who talk to me exist."

Zoe scrunched her eyebrows together. "I didn't mean it like-"

"Whatever, Zoe, just drop it." He walked away.

That night, Dylan barged into Jared's house without knocking.

"Jared, I have something new for you!" He sounded angry and Jared was getting fed up.

"Do you now?" He found it hard to keep his voice steady, but knew he had to stand up for himself.

"You're gonna talk like that to me when-"

"Yeah, yeah, you could release that video. Here's the issue here. I realized that now I have all these texts from your number of your requests to me. You know, the things you blackmailed me into. So what if I say if you release that video, I tell the cops what you've been doing." He crossed his arms.

Dylan actually laughed. "Sure, dipshit, I bet everyone will find you to be a very honest and trustworthy source after you get a reputation as one of the town's biggest liars. Not to mention you'd be known for faking emails. Besides, I always knew this might come up. That's why I only texted you what I want you to do, I never even mentioned the threat. For all anyone else knows, I was paying you. Or you are just that desperate for friends. Wasn't the whole you-writing-fake-letters thing a favor for that kid Evan so he'd keep putting up with you? So it'd make sense that you'd do it again."

"Fuck you."

And suddenly Jared was up against the wall, Dylan baring his teeth in his face. "You don't get to talk to me like that, you waste of human life. You just do what I tell you, or I ruin your life and the life of that other piece of shit. Are we clear?"

Jared bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. "Ye-yes. Yes."

The hands pinning him to the wall were suddenly gone and Jared's legs were shaking so much he ended up on the ground.

"Good. You know, today my girlfriend dumped me. After I got her those nice tickets! And I was trying to blow off steam by working out, but then I realized hitting a punching bag wasn't enough. I had an idea and-" He delivered a hard kick to Jared's chest. "I think you can figure out the rest. Stand up."

Jared caught his breath and pushed himself to a standing position and fought off the nausea in his gut. As soon as he was steady, the punches started flying. Each hit made him screw his eyes shut against the pain and bite back a whimper.

He guessed he should be happy none were aimed at his face. Dylan didn't want things to get too obvious.

It was a while before Jared's legs refused to keep him up anymore. To his surprise, the other boy stopped at this point.

"I guess that's enough for now. Have fun with my homework, Jared. And- oh, maybe you should start hanging out with me during school. You can be the loser everyone thinks I have taken under my wing, and you'll be there if I need to relieve stress between classes."

And he briefly went into Jared's bathroom, coming back with a bottle of Tylenol he tossed at Jared. "Here. Don't ever say I never did anything for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I don't want to be that author but please comment if you're reading this so I know you're still interested in the story. It can be whatever, even just a "♡" or "I hate this" is appreciated. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Thank you all for commenting!! It means so much to me and I cherish every single one.
> 
> 2) Listen I didn't mean to have an OC like this, but hear me out: Michelle won't have much of a role beyond this chapter, and I just wanted Jared being nice to someone who is also scared of Dylan.

The next person to confront him was Alana. She caught him right as school started, just as he was wondering why he was bothering to act like he wasn't in complete pain when he doubted anyone would noticr even if he started crawling to class.

"Jared, I've been wanting to talk to you." 

"Well, that makes one person at this school." He mumbled.

"What?" 

"Nothing. Just tell me what you want." He didn't want anyone to talk to him longer than necessary. He was sad, pathetic, and wearing an ugly hoodie.

Alana looked down briefly, then back at him. "Oh, I just wanted to ask if you were planning on coming to the Connor Project meeting today after-"

"Why would I?" Jared crossed his arms. 

"Well, it's just- you're the treasurer." 

Jared swallowed. "Haven't you heard? Evan kicked me out. It's good news on all counts. I have less responsibilities, Evan doesn't have to deal with me, and you can add yet another title to your resume. Congrats." 

He started to walk away, but was stopped by a hand resting on his shoulder. "Jared, that's not-" And as he looked back at Alana, his gut twisted. "I care about more than titles, you know I just- I don't know." She sighed. "I'm getting off topic. Can you come to the meeting?" 

"No."

"You know Jared, you aren't-"

"Jared, my bro!" Dylan approached from behind Jared. Jared's breath caught at the sound of his voice, and he hoped he didn't immediately look too panicked.

"You ready for class, buddy?" Dylan asked as he smacked Jared on the arm. It was made to look like something playful and friendly, something that wouldn't hurt. And it wouldn't have hurt, if he didn't hit right where he had bruised Jared the night before. As it was, Jared winced and grit his teeth to avoid making any noise.

"Sure thing, Dylan." He tried to form a normal response, but Alana's eyes narrowed and he could see her trying to calculate what was really happening.

"You did the homework, right? For English?" Dylan asked, voice holding a threat.

"Yup, of course. Let's uh-" He glanced at Alana for a moment. "Let's go. Bye Alana."

He didn't want to walk away from her, especially with Dylan walking next to him.

"What were you talking about?" Dylan aaked once they were out of earshot, still walking to class.

"Nothing." Jared said, looking at the floor, trying not to think about how much it ached just to walk.

He couldn't hold back a gasp when Dylan shoved him sideways into a locker.

"I need a better answer. You weren't tattling, were you?"

Jared needed a moment to catch his breath. "No, I swear. She has no idea. She just wanted me to go to a Connor Project meeting, that's all."

Dylan gave a hum of approval and asked for his English assignment just before they walked into the room.

**************************************

Jared shared only one class with Alana. AP Calculus.

He tried sitting as far away from her as possible, but she moved seats after she saw him sit.

"What do you want?" He asked as she sat down next to him.

"Why are you limping?" She asked as she took out her notebook.

"What? I'm not-" His voice was slightly too high. Damn Alana for noticing the little things.

"It's not a very exaggerated limp, but it's there. You were walking like this one other kid in the same volunteer group as me when he fell down a- sorry, that's not important. I saw it when you walked away with Dylan. And why are you hanging out with Dylan all of a sudden?"

"Alright, you got me." Jared put his hands up in surrender. "I tripped on the stairs yesterday. I guess I twisted or pulled something in my leg. Either way, it's nothing. And I don't see why you have to interrogate me like this."

"I'm just trying to help yo-"

"Alright, class is started." The teacher announced. "Settle down, we need to go over the last test."

Jared ignored her attempts to pass notes and was out the door as soom as the bell rang. He decided to not even go to his locker for the end of the day, wanting to get away as soon as possible.

Something stopped him, though.

Michelle Garner.

She was Dylan's girlfriend. The one who dumped him.

Jared saw her at her locker. She was surrounded by girls asking questions.

"Why would you dump him? He's such a hottie!"

"Was the sex bad?"

"Will you care if I go after him?"

"His dick was tiny, wasn't it?"

What made Jared pause was how panicked Michelle looked. It reminded him of when Evan had to do a presentation.

"Just go away!" She yelled at her friends. "Stop, just leave me alone for one god damn minute! Please!"

They looked offended, but eventually left. Michelle sighed and put her head against her locker door.

_Don't do it Jared dammit don't you dare do this you know what's going to happen how stupid are you you're going to die you stupid piece of-_

Jared ignored the voice in his head, as usual, walking up to the girl.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked softly.

"Trying to act like you care about the hot girl so you can be the rebound? Very original, I'm not in the mood." She said.

"No, that's not- I'm not looking for a date with you. I just- I know the kind of person Dylan is. I wanted to make sure you're okay. Or- safe, I guess." He shrugged.

She finally looked him in the eyes, before looking over her shoulder. "He's just-" She stopped herself, biting her lip. "I can't really trust you."

"How about I tell you a secret and then you can have leverage so you know I won't go telling everyone."

She thought for a moment. "Alright. Just follow me."

He was led into an empty classroom. She shut the door behind them.

"You first." She gestured to Jared.

"I'm gay." He went for the easiest thing to explain.

She crinkled her nose. "I don't exactly want that to be what I have on you. Like if you turn around and tell my secret, I don't want to threaten to out you as revenge."

Jared's lips curled up in appreciation. "Well, uh- that's pretty much what I've got. I'm a loser with no friends, I don't exactly have a lot going on." He ran a hand through his hair. "How about- I got grounded by my parents like I'm still 12."

She laughed. "For how long?"

"Probably until I graduate. Stop laughing! I got my bedroom door taken away, do you know how much I'm suffering?"

"What did you even do?" She was smiling.

"Wasted $2000 of my college savings." 

"Oh my God."

"It's your turn! And if you tell anyone about that I will literally have to kill myself. I couldn't take the shame."

Michelle's smile dropped a little. "Well, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because Dylan never hit me or anything, but he just-" She took a deep breath. "He got so angry sometimes, and I wouldn't want to be around him, and that just made him more pissed off. He would break things and scream and yell and-" She sniffed. "And he always apologizes with money. Instead of saying sorry, he gets me once-in-a-lifetime concert tickets. But I couldn't- I had to end it. The thing is I know he's going crazy over this. He's pissed and he's always texting me and he knows where I live for God's sake!"

Jared got the tissue box from the front of the room and handed it to her as she continued.

"And I can't tell my parents, because they kept saying that I'm not allowed to date anyone in high school because they never trusted my judgement! They think I'm just some preppy cheerleader horny for the football stars who end up being assholes. How am I supposed to say they were right? They'll never trust me to do anything right! I just wish I could just lay down and die sometimes, it's easier than this bullshit."

Jared hugged Michelle, and then sat on a desk next to her. "You know, as someone whose parents will never trust him, it's not that bad." He earned a small chuckle from her. "Seriously, you have to tell your parents. Think about it this way: in a few years, the only things from these days that will matter are whatever can end up killing you. Your parents will forgive you, you might even get some bonus points for being honest with them. But if you're in danger and you ignore it, that's going to affect your life forever. Knowing him, he could seriously hurt you. That's more of a danger than anything your parents can do." In all honesty, Jared was surprised how much his advice didn't sound like bullshit. He was proud.

Michelle nodded. "You're right. God, I don't know why I'm airing my darkest problems to some guy I've never spoken to. Anyways- I have to go."

Jared nodded, then realized something terrible as she left.

He took the bus to school, his parents insisting he couldn't use the car. All the buses left already.

He groaned, knowing who he would have to ask for a ride.

He walked out of the classroom and headed for the Connor Project meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Please comment I appreciate every single response!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys all so much for reading and commenting. It means so much!
> 
> This is not a happy chapter for Jared.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS
> 
> * VIOLENCE AND BLOOD
> 
> * SELF-HARM

Jared hated to go in that room. He knew Evan would be disappointed he showed up, disgusted even.

He closed his eyes and sighed before turning the doorknob.

"So if we can convince the mayor that the orchard would be beneficial to the town, we could get the rest of the funding that way. And then-" Alana stopped when she noticed who had opened the door.

"Jared! Sit down, the meeting already started, but we're still glad you're here."

Jared resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he pulled out a seat. He spared a glance at Evan, who looked as if he didn't even notice he was there. Jared would have almost preferred anger. He looked down at the table and swallowed before sitting down, cringing as he did so. The pain meds were definitely starting to wear off. He hoped this wouldn't last too long.

Alana looked ready to ask if Jared was okay when Evan spoke up. "Can we keep going now, I'd like to meet up with Zoe when she gets out of band practice."

Jared was floored. Not a single stutter from the boy. He'd be proud if Evan wasn't also being so cold.

Alana blinked and looked from Evan to Jared and back, as if deciding whether to challenge him. "Right, so, as I was saying..." Jared didn't even try to focus on her words. He ached all over, and could feel a headache starting to add onto it.

As the meeting went on, things got even worse. He screwed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose as the pain in his head overtook everything else. He didn't notice how obvious he was being until he felt a hand lightly on his arm. "Jared?" He looked up at Alana. "Jared, are you okay?"

"'M fine." He mumbled. "Jus'a headache." He spared a glance over to Evan's seat, only to find it was empty. He tried not to let that bother him too much, but then the door opened behind him. He couldn't bother to look at who it was, but he didn't have to.

"I got some-uh-some water." And Jared thought he must be dreaming, because that was almost like the normal Evan Hansen again. Still, when the water bottle was placed on the table, Jared gladly took it, slowly taking sips.

"Do you want some Tylenol?" Alana asked. "I carry some in my purse in case of migraines."

Jared nodded slowly, then took the pills she offered. "Thank you." It was a while before they did anything, but Jared did his best to act normal until the meeting was over.

Evan was out the door as soon as Alana said there was nothing more to discuss. Alana didn't move, however.

Jared swallowed. "I kind of need a ride home."

Alana frowned. "Of course. I can drop you off."

They walked to her car, Jared putting his best effort into not limping.

The ride was silent, but Jared could tell Alana kept wanting to say something. When they finally got to his house, she spoke. "Well, feel better. And if you need anything, call me. Or text me. But if there's anything you need help with, I-"

Jared was a little uncomfortable. "Uh... thanks, Alana." He opened the door and went into his house to collapse on his bed. He reached for the nightstand and took a few more pills before finally falling asleep.

He was awoken with his front door slamming open. "KLEINMAN!" There was an angry yell from downstairs. Jared got up as quickly as he could, not wanting to make anything worse.

He heard Dylan stomping up the stairs to his room. "Kleinman, enlighten me as to why I found out from one of my friends that you were seen talking to my ex today?"

Jared was frozen in place. He wanted to leave, get out of there, but he couldn't move.

Suddenly Dylan was in Jared's room, and Jared was cursing his parents for taking away his door. Dylan moved forward and grabbed Jared by the neck, lifting him off the ground. Jared's eyes went wide and he grabbed at Dylan's hand, trying to get him to let go.

"Can you tell me, you piece of shit, why you thought it was okay to talk to Michelle?"

Jared couldn't breathe, let alone answer.

"I'm not hearing anything. You better speak up." Dylan taunted.

Jared realized that Dylan was way worse than he thought, this wasn't just a school bully, this guy was perfectly willing to kill him.

Suddenly the hand was gone and Jared was on the ground. It still hurt the bruises on his chest when he took a deep breath, but there was no other option. Tears formed in his eyes and he would have called off the whole deal if he could only speak. Evan might not be fond of him, but he knew this was too much to expect, right?

A foot came down on his hand and stayed there as Dylan took something out of his pocket. A pocket knife.

Oh no, no no no no. This was never going to be part of the plan. This was so far beyond the plan it wasn't funny. Still, Jared could only whimper in pain as Dylan took out the blade and dragged it across Jared's upper arm, just enough to bleed.

"Stop, stop. Spread the video, this isn't worth it." Jared's pleas were rewarded with a kick to the balls.

"This isn't about the emails anymore, you pathetic waste of space. This is about you talking to Michelle. And if you even think about telling people about this, I'll start blackmailing little Evan Hansen instead. I wonder what lengths he would go to. So shut your fucking mouth. Got it?"

Jared nodded pathetically.

"Good." He cut a little deeper this time, and then deeper still, until the cuts were consistently dripping blood. And he probably would have continued, but his phone rang.

Dylan picked it up. "Yes?"

Jared could hear the yelling on the other end, but couldn't make our the words.

"Yes sir, I'll be home in a few minutes, I just-" There was more yelling. "Sorry, it won't happen again." Dylan looked furious as he hung up the phone.

"I'm not letting you off the hook, Kleinman, you've got some homework." He folded up the knife. "You own knives, right? Sharp objects? Well, I want you to add three more yourself. I expect pictures sent to me to confirm. Now go fucking cut yourself, shitstain."

And he was gone. It took a moment for Jared to get a hold of his surroundings. His arm hurt, his lungs hurt, his neck hurt. In comparison, the bruises from the day before felt fine. Jared eventually made himself get up and go to the bathroom. he took a dark colored washcloth and cleaned up the blood on his arm. Fuck. How did he end up here?

He took a sigh, knowing he'd rather not put this off. He pulled a replacement razor out of the cabinet and took a deep breath. He readied the object at his forearm. He only had to add three. He closed his eyes for a moment.

He added four.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who comments again, you're the reason I keep coming back!!!
> 
> WARNINGS:
> 
> lots of suicide talk and all that
> 
> references to self-harm
> 
> just not fun in general he's suffering so much

Jared owned a single turtleneck, and it had a jack-o-lantern on the front with the words "Trick Or Treat!" above it. It was far from Halloween, but his neck was bruised from being nearly choked to death, so it would have to do. He put a jacket on over it so he would look somewhat normal. That is, unless he passes out from wearing so many layers in May.

He wanted to stay in bed. Lay down for a week with food and Tylenol by his side. But he was terrified of what would happen if he didn't show up with Dylan's homework.

He was trapped. He wanted to die.

He took a deep breath. Just a few more weeks, and he never has to see Dylan again.

He grabbed a bag of cough drops before he left to try to soothe his throat, which seemed to be on fire.

School started as miserable as any other day. It dragged on, Dylan taunting him by pretending to be buddies again, but grabbing at his arm and everywhere he knew would hurt. In English Dylan sat down next to him and would elbow him every now and then as Jared tried not to panic or cry out. Finally the class ended and he rushed to the bathroom, where he puked and then sat in a stall crying as quietly as possible for at least twenty minutes. He was definitely missing History, he decided as he calmed down.

He finally exited the stall and splashed water on his face until he looked a little less like a tomato. He examined his arms briefly and decided he was grateful he wore two layers of black, as they had slightly bled through the bandage at some point, but it wasn't obvious on the material. He didn't bring any extra bandages, though, and he decided he'd just wait out History and Calculus until he could go home. He pulled his sleeves down and took a deep breath and pulled his sleeves down just before someone opened the door.

"Jared?" Evan asked. Jared snapped his eyes over to the other boy in shock. He hadn't spoken to him since-

"Zoe and Alana kept- uh, they were bugging me to talk to- to you."

Right. of course. Jared rolled his eyes. "Tell them to mind their own business." His voice came out horribly hoarse and was followed by coughing that made his throat sting more.

Evan snorted. "Believe me, I tried. They seem to think- think that you're depressed or something's wrong or- uh something. Not that I think that, I wouldn't think that, I know that you're just- sick. I mean, we were never real friends, right, so it's not like you'd be all torn apart because of what happened, I mean, I know you didn't think that much of me it's just- they kept insisting!" His words were rushed by the end, but they still managed to cause Jared pain.

There were a few moments of silence. "Well, I'm fine." He whispered, not willing to risk saying anything louder.

"That's what I said! I mean, you clearly have other- other friends, you're practically hanging out with that- that popular football guy all the time, so you must be-"

"Don't you dare call him my friend!" Jared yelled suddenly, then regretted it. He coughed until tears started gathering in his eyes, and he felt as if he swallowed a bunch of needles.

"Well, what would you call him, he's always with you and you- are you okay?" Evan tried to move forward but Jared waved him back and finally stopped coughing. He took a moment to catch his breath.

"I'm fine." He whispered. He went to wash his hands since he was sure he got mucus on it, but then he could see the bright red droplets mixed in and quickly angled his hand so Evan wouldn't notice.

The room was silent as Jared finished washing his hands and went to get a paper towel. Just before he left he heard a soft "Are you?" from Evan. He paused for barely a moment before opening the door and leaving to find another bathroom to avoid his problems in. He ended up bumping into Dylan just after walking out of the room.

"Come with me." Dylan said dangerously before he walked through the halls, Jared unable to keep from limping as he tried to match his pace. He ducked into another bathroom before turning to Jared.

"What did you tell him? Are you being a little tattletale bitch to that kid who doesn't even care if you're alive?"

"I- no, I swear, I didn't say anything he just-"

"Got suspicious." Dylan took a step forward.

"Uh- yeah. I told him nothing was wrong, though, I swear."

"Figures. You're always being dramatic and limping everywhere because you can't take a few punches. Pathetic." He walked back and forth for a moment. "We need to make sure he drops it, and I doubt you will ever stop being less of a crybaby, so we need to make sure he really doesn't give a shit about you. Next time you see him, how about you shove your little boyfriend to the ground. Tell him he's a waste of space and should kill himself. And tell his little girlfriend and the crazy freakshow who tries shoving her nose into everything. Got it?"

"No." Jared wasn't sure how his voice came out as strong as it did.

"Excuse me?" Dylan stepped forward again.

Jared took a deep breath. He had to do this, because he couldn't- he couldn't do what Dylan was asking. Even if Evan didn't care about Jared anymore, even if he was semi-famous and had a girlfriend, he still wouldn't do well with being told to kill himself. He might actually do it, and besides, Jared didn't want his friends- his former friends to think he was that kind of person. Not as if he could get much worse than who they knew him as, but still.

"I'm not going to do that. And you can bring up your threats, or whatever, but you know what? You need me. You're not gonna throw away the only things keeping me doing your chores and homework and being your damn punching bag over this one thing, because then you have to go back to taking care of your own shit. So I can say no this one time, and you're not going to do anything about it." He was back to whispers, but he tried to still sound sure of himself.

Jared expected anger, or threats, or getting smacked to the floor. What he did not expect was for Dylan to shrug.

"Alright, I get it. You've started thinking your important. Guess what? You don't have to do that one task, congrats! I'm changing it, since you think I wouldn't be willing to not have you around. Listen, punk, you mean nothing to me. I can do my homework fine, I can clean my clothes fine, I can buy concert tickets fine. I never needed your shitty help, it was just fun watching you squirm. So here's your new task: go home tonight, and kill yourself. Make the whole world happier. If you're alive after the weekend, I kick your ass and all your friends' asses, then release the video. If you're dead, I delete it and move on because you mean _nothing_ to me. Got it?" He didn't wait for Jared to respond before storming out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! We are fast approaching the comfort part of this fic, I hope you guys are excited!!
> 
> Also thank you all, your comments mean so much to me!! ♡♡

Jared had spent hours staring at his ceiling after he got home, just thinking.

He- fuck he knew it was stupid, he knew no one expected him to die for Evan's secrets, he knew _Evan_ wouldn't want this... and yet...

He'd be lying if he said it wasn't tempting. Hell, he'd be lying if he said he never thought of it as tenpting before he was threatened to do it.

Jared shook his head and sat up in bed. It was almost 10:00. He suddenly got up and grabbed his phone before leaving the house.

Evan lived about a mile away. It would be nice if Jared had his car. It would be nice if what was a sunny spring day hadn't turned into a cold, windy night. It would be especially nice if it wasn't raining.

But we can't have nice things.

It took Jared half an hour to make his way to Evan's, but it felt like forever. He was over halfway in when he realized he shouldn't have started the journey, or at the very least he should have put more layers on. The wind hurled the rain at his face and the heat away from his body. By the time he knocked on Evan's door, he was uncontrollably shivering and his whole body was numb.

Jared knocked again when there was no answer. Then he tried to get out his phone, but his fingers were so cold and the touchscreen was getting wet and he couldn't possibly get it to call Evan. A spike of fear shot through him when he realized Evan might not even want to let Jared in, he'd have to walk all the way back and he wasn't even sure his legs would work that much longer, not when they were almost too cold to function as it is.

Finally the door opened, and Jared let out a sound of relief as he looked up.

Evan looked surprised for a moment, then his eyes widened even more. "Jared, what are y- oh my God, you're soaked. How long have you been out there, did you _walk_ here? Why wou- you're an idio- just get inside, Jared, oh my God."

Jared chuckled slightly as he stepped in and Evan closed the door behind him. "No neeb to b-b-be so-" Jared paused, it was an effort to speak and his mouth was too numb to form words properly. "d-dwamatic, Hansen"

"Oh my God, Jared, what did you _do?_ I- uh- take those clothes off, I'll get you something dry."

"Gotta- you sh-should- you're not gonna buy me dinner first?" Jared realized he was really screwed, he hadn't realized how foggy his thoughts had gotten on the way there.

"This is serious. I should- I should probably call 9-1-1, you're-" Evan looked uncomfortable at the idea of the phone call but determined nonetheless.

"No!" Jared said, a little too loudly. "'M fine. Go get c-clothes."

Evan rolled his eyes, but still turned to head to his room. Jared started peeling off his wet clothes-

And then it hit him that he really didn't want to have his clothes off in front of Evan.

He stumbled over to the bathroom and shut himself inside before tossing all his wet clothes off and stealing a towel to get rid of the rest of the cold water clinging to him.

He caught a glimpse in the mirror. He was covered in bruises, especially on his chest and stomach. The one on his neck was the hardest to hide, though, he doubted Evan would provide him with a convenient scarf before looking at him.

His arm... he hadn't bothered bandaging the first few cuts Dylan had made, they were too minor. But most of the rest of his left arm was gauze and medical tape.

He heard Evan calling for him in the living room. He sounded panicked.

"Bathoom!" Jared called out. "Didn't w-want- you see me all nak-naked and all."

"Yeah, well- whatever, here, just take the clothes. If I hear you fall over I'm coming in." The door opened slightly and he was handed underwear, a hoodie, and sweatpants.

"Thanks." Jared was barely audible. He closed the door and thanked his lucky stars that the hoodie actually covered his neck pretty well. As long as he kept the hood up and pulled it tight, he should be fine.

He got dressed the rest of the way and left the bathroom. Evan was waiting for him. "I gathered a bunch of blankets, you can use my bed- I mean- or the couch, whichever one you want."

Jared furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Evan for a few seconds. "Why... why're y-you so nice... t'me?"

He thought he saw Evan's face fall a little. "Come on, you're going in my bed, alright? It'll be nice and warm." He put an arm around Jared, who momentarily flinched away from the touch. Once he remembered it was inly Evan, though, he relaxed into it.

Evan led him to his room and set him up in his bed.

"Do you want tea? Water? I- food?"

All of those things sounded nice. "Yes." Jared felt terrible for being so selfish, demanding all these things from Evan, but he also knew that he _needed_ these things.

"W- yes? What does that mean?"

"All."

The water took Evan only a moment to bring, and a few minutes later there was tea, and before long Jared was eating cheese-stuffed soft pretzels in Evan's bed.

It took a while but slowly, he stopped shivering, his muscles responded properly again, and he could think properly.

It was a little while after this, it must have been past 1 am, when Evan spoke up. "We- Jared, we really need to talk about this."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is a little weak what with all the build-up it had, but here you go!!!
> 
> WARNINGS:
> 
> Suicide mentions and suicidal thoughts
> 
> Self-harm mentions and all that
> 
> Just some real sad bois

"We- Jared, we really need to talk about this."

Jared winced. He knew this was coming. "Yeah, I- I know, you don't even want to _talk_ to me and now I show up at your house and guilt you into taking care of me and staying up to make me food and all this bullshit you don't want to do and you have other things to worry about and I should probably go and-" He started to sit up, but was pushed back down.

"No! You are not going back out there!" Evan sighed. "Is this really what you think I'm concerned about right now?" Evan searched Jared's face.

"I- uh." As a matter of fact, it's exactly what he thought Evan was concerned about. "Is this still about the letters I wouldn't write for you? Or is it about me being a total dick to you for-"

"Oh my God Jared, I'm not mad at you. I'm worried because you- you showed up in the middle of the night with hypothermia!"

"Oh." Jared waved him off. "That's nothing, I was fine. I definitely didn't have-"

"You couldn't stop shivering and you were walking and talking like you were drunk. When I first let you in, you could barely string a sentence together."

"Okay, so?"

"S-so? You could have died!"

"And?" The response was impulsive, and Jared immediately regretted it.

Evan's mouth fell open. "And- well- I- F-" He took a breath. "Jared, I need you to be honest with me."

Jared snorted, because he couldn't remember ever being honest when it came to serious things and he doubted he'd start now.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?"

Jared laughed. "No." Sure, he would have to kill himself later, but this wasn't a lie, he wasn't trying to do it by freezing himself to death. "I was- I wanted to talk to you. Ask you something."

Evan raised his eyebrows, silently telling Jared to go on.

"I- uh-" He considered how to phrase the question without giving too much away. "How important is it that the whole Connor thing stays secret?"

Evan backed away from him. "Why would you ask that? It's more important than anything, Jared, it can't get out, it'll ruin me, I'll have nothing, everyone will _hate_ me, did you tell someone? To get back at me or something? What the f-"

Well, Jared guessed he got his answer. He would have to protect the secret. But for now he just had to explain enough so Evan would let him go. "I didn't tell anyone- someone found out. Remember our fight in the bathroom? Someone was in there. Filming."

"What?" Evan's breathing picked up.

"Yeah, uh- Dylan? The football guy that's been hanging around me lately? He's been blackmailing me to do all his homework and chores and all that."

"Oh." Evan relaxed. "Well, if that's all, I can help you with the extra work if it's stressing you out."

Jared couldn't help but smile; Evan was so innocent. "There's- I mean there's more to it now, but thanks."

"Well what is it?"

"Like, I had to give him all my parent's liquor. And dipped into my college funds for $2000 to get him concert tickets. Between those two things my parents grounded me for life and basically said I'm not getting anything else to go towards college, so that's... whatever. And then he would-" He cut himself off. He couldn't go that far, Evan would think he was a freak for willingly letting himself get beat up and cut with a knife and not letting the secret out then. For letting it go on longer than even that. "It doesn't matter."

Evan's eyes widened. "What else did he do? That's- I'll figure something out with your parents, okay? Maybe if I say you did it to be nice to me somehow? Or to help me? If it works to get your car insurance paid, maybe-"

"My parents never paid my car insurance. That was a joke." _Or a desperate attempt to make it seem like you didn't care so it would look less pathetic when Evan finally ditched you._ Jared's brain was not being helpful.

"Oh." Evan deflated. "Then why did you-"

"I have to go to the bathroom." Things were getting too personal for Jared's taste and he needed to catch his breath before he said too much. He lept off Evan's bed and out of the room. He considered running home. He considered just laying down outside until the freezing rain killed him. Evan would probably blame himself, though. Or hear the front door and tackle him to the ground. So he stayed and took a breather. He went to the bathroom and stole some Tylenol because his body wasn't numb from the cold anymore and he could feel pain in every movement.

When he returned, Evan was shaking as he looked at him.

"Uhhh... you good, Evan?" There was no response. "Look, forget I said anything, I can handle it, okay? And maybe we should both just go to sleep and I'll leave in the morning. I'll take the couch and-"

Evan shook his head and muttered something Jared couldn't make out.

"Sorry, what?"

"Show me your arm."

And the world froze. Jared couldn't move. He knew, he _knew_ , how did he know? His eyes flickered across the room. His phone. He forgot to bring his phone with him. The messages with Dylan-- God, he sent Dylan pictures of the cuts as proof. He should have deleted it, he was stupid, stupid, careless and stupid. "You went through my phone?"

"Jared, please, I'm trying to help y-"

"How did you even get into my phone?"

"I mean, your passcode is 6969." If Jared wasn't so frustrated, he'd be proud of Evan for knowing him so well. And making a joke at maybe the worst time.

As it was, Jared bolted from the room. Well, as fast as he could, anyway, with his entire body protesting. He got out the front door and kept going, almost immediately getting soaked. He expected for Evan to catch up and grab him, or knock him over, but instead he saw a car matching his pace on the road next to him. He looked over and caught Evan's eyes before sighing and realizing he wasn't about to get out of this. He gave up and got into the car before crossing his arms indignantly.

The ride back was quick and silent, and finally they were back inside Evan's house, Jared once again soaking wet.

"I guess we're doing this again. Take that off, and I'll find you something dry to wear."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Come on, I wasn't even out there that long this time, I'm fine."

"You could still get sick, so yeah, take it off. You know what? In my room, so I can make sure you don't try to leave again." He took Jared's hand and dragged him to his room before shutting the door and looking through his clothes.

Jared was strangely calm this time as he took off the sweatshirt and pants. It didn't matter if Evan found out. Nothing fucking mattered.

Evan finally turned around and dropped the clothes in his arms. He hadn't expected _this_. "I- how? Did he _choke_ you? What is all this?"

Jared was quiet for a moment. "Most of the bruises were from when his girlfriend dumped him and his punching bag wasn't relieving enough stress. The uh- neck and cuts were punishment because I was talking to his girlfriend- which- dumb, I know, but I wanted to make sure he wasn't about to kill her."

"And you-" Evan picked up the clothes again and handed them to Jared. "Why would you- you didn't tell me at that point? Or- why didn't you just let him post the video?"

Jared started putting the clothes on. "I tried. Then he threatened to start blackmailing you instead and I didn't want you dragged into this and- I honestly didn't know how far you'd go to keep it secret. Besides, it gets leaked and you- you'll get death threats and hate mail every day. You may have done a shitty thing, but you don't deserve that."

"You don't deserve- being attacked! Why would you do that for me?"

"I mean- we're friends?" Come to think of it, Jared wasn't so sure why he did it himself.

"So the whole 'family friends' thing really was a joke, then." Evan sighed and sat down on his bed. He grabbed his laptop off the endtable and opened it up. "I can't let you do this anymore."

Jared had finished donning the pajamas he was handed by then, and sat next to Evan. "What are you doing?" It was an accusing question.

"Well, first, I'm making a post on the Connor Project page about-"

"Don't you dare!"

"This isn't worth it, Jared!"

"What happened to 'It's more important than anything!'"

"I didn't consider you being _beaten_ and- and being threatened to hurt yourself as a possibility!"

"It doesn't matter, you can't- come on, you can't do this now, I just have to do one more thing and then he'll stop, okay, it's- stop typing! It'll be over soon anyway, okay?" It was then that Jared realized that he had made the decision to go through with it and kill himself the second he got into Evan's car. He couldn't live with Evan knowing about everything that happened.

"What makes you think he'll stop now, if he's been adding things since-"

"I know, trust me. Everything will be fine." _Lies, lies, lies._

"Well, then what did he want you to do?"

"It's nothing! It's not a big deal?"

"Then why won't you tell me? And why come here in the middle of the night to figure out if you should just let the truth out or-" Evan stopped as his eyes caught something. "Dylan Masters?" He looked up at Jared.

"Yeah, why?" Jared narrowed his eyes. He hoped Dylan hadn't started messaging Evan as well.

"Take a look at this. I opened up Facebook and-" He gestured to the article someone had linked.

Jared leaned in. "Local teen arrested for breaking into ex-girlfriend's home." He swallowed. "Eighteen year-old Dylan Masters was found breaking into his ex-girlfriend's home Friday night. He wielded a knife, but was quickly stopped by the girlfriend's father, who held him down and called 911. The names of the girlfriend's family will not be released at this time. Police report that the suspect has been acting out and demanding to see his ex-girlfriend since being taken in. It is suspected he will not be released before his trial and will miss graduation and prom." Jared stopped reading.

"Holy shit." His problem was gone. Arrested, though if you asked him, Mr. Garner should have killed the guy for even thinking about going after Michelle with a knife. This works too, though.

Jared ran a hand through his hair. _I don't even have to do anything now._ He smiled, but then it sunk in that he was still friendless, carless, his grades were in the toilet from all the stress of the past few weeks, he basically had no future, and now Evan knew how pathetic he was.

 _I could kill myself anyways._ He thought.

"What?" Jared was brought back to the world when he heard the startled voice of Evan.

Fuck, he said that last thing out loud, didn't he?

"Tell me that wasn't what it sounded like." Evan was getting all concerned again. "Is that what you had to do for him? You- Jared, how could you even consider that an option? After-"

And Jared was angry. He didn't know who he was angry at, but suddenly the words were coming out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Why do you care, Evan? You only kept me around as a backup until you could find someone better! The second you had Zoe, we stop hanging out, and the second I stop being useful and writing your stupid letters, you toss me in the trash completely! And I can't even blame you, because I deserved it, but I almost thought after all these years, you might be the one person who wouldn't get tired of me! I don't know why I haven't thought to do it sooner, I mean, my life's going nowhere, alright, and no one would care if I just-"

"I care, and-"

"Oh sure, you'd care in the sense that you'd feel a little guilty for a bit that someone you knew died. Like you cared about Connor. But hell, once you get over that? You'll be better off them ever, I mean, whose fault is it that you're in this mess? You were going to tell them it was a mistake right away, but apparently I thought it would be fun to fuck up your life more! I've never been anything more than an inconvenience to anyone because I'm a selfish asshole and I deserve to be alone." Jared was horrified that he was having a complete breakdown in front of Evan, but he couldn't stop it. He was sobbing at this point.

Evan pulled him into a hug, sure to be gentle with him. "Please, Jared, this isn't your fault. And I've missed talking to you. I just didn't apologize because I thought- I thought you were happier without me, and to ask if you wanted to be friends again would be assuming that having me as a friend was some great reward to you, and-"

"My fault for making you feel like that." Jared mumbled.

"So is it my fault _you_ fell like _this_?"

"...No."

"That's a little unfair."

"Shut up." He smiled.

Eventually the two fell asleep together, unable to keep their eyes open any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys this story is nearing its end if you have any fic requests (particularly deh or voltron) send them my way at whatteam-voltron.tumblr.com!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for reading my stuff!!! If you want to find me on Tumblr, my Username is whatteam-voltron on there!


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